Monday, December 24, 2012

Mechanism of Suggestion

It is right now 12:57am.  I am up after sleeping for four hours.

I keep having a recurring dream that I am in a foreign country.  It is beautiful, a sunlit patchwork of farmland and white stucco city by the seaside.  I have lots of friends and family there.

In one version of this dream, I was in the living room of a house, the warm sun of a skylight overhead.  Across from me was a council of three people, two women and a man I think.  I asked the truth of them, the truth of my existence.  As they told me I realized that their words were disintegrating me into a black dust, that the truth was waking me up and banishing me from this sunlit land into a dreamworld.  I didn't want to go.  I started to cry for help, but all that came out were indistinct yelping noises.  Finally I managed to say it, a single word, "HELP!"

I was woken up by myself saying "HELP!" super loud.

Last night I went out with my lovely wife.  We went to dinner with her brother and his new girlfriend, B..  We had Indian food up in Provo.  It was lovely.  I just love Indian food-- Tandoori Lamb and Chicken, Dhaal (lentils), Mango Chicken, Vegetable Korma, sweet bread and garlic bread.  It was quite a spread.  She was composed, articulate and down-to-earth.

Here is what I am listening to right now.

Each passing week I gain more control over my own mind.  The fear and panic grow less and I force myself to focus on positive mental images which I play on the screen of my mind.  How can things go right?

I walk out in front of my house, or my studio and I slowly pass my hand in front of my face, a bit of a Jedi wave, and as the hand passes I imagine in my mind how I want things to look-- new grass, landscaping, a fence, new siding, or whatever it may be. In my mind I make my world what I want it to be.  I am wiping away the old thing.  Those are physical things.  But that's pretty much what's left for me.  The important things: family and relationships are just peachy.  I have peace in my own household.  I'm getting along with my wife.  We are still in love.  My kids are responsive and kind to each other.  I really like my staff at work.  I've become more distant than in years past, what I view as a professional detachment, but I genuinely like each person.

The only thing missing is that I need a few personal friends.  I don't really have any relationships outside of family and work.  I'd love to get a D&D group going, or a few people to play wargames with.  Like it used to be back in Oregon.

Sunday, my wife sang in the choir, the Christmas program.  It was beautiful.  Our ward puts on a real professional program.  A musical number followed by a short reading.  Repeat.   But I couldn't pay too much attention as I was wrangling a four and seven year old.  Willow was asking us all to draw pictures of butterflies for her.  I just kept drawing one after another and in-between making notes on my to-do clipboard for the coming week: vids that need to be made, and people with whom I need to meet.

In my study I was watching Ultimate Spiderman and the kids filtered in here and there to be with me.  A lazy Sunday afternoon watching cartoons with the kids and eating leftover Indian food.  I'm reading my Dropzone Commander rulebook.  Talk about absolute bliss.

Later, my wife and I cloistered ourselves and wrapped the presents.  Shiny paper for gifts from Santa.  Her in a red sweater.  I managed to get through it with a minimum of grousing.  For eighteen years she's done all the Christmas preparations by herself, staying up until the wee hours.  Just these last few years I'm lending a hand as I'm not so completely swamped at work. 

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