Sunday, December 30, 2012

Tautology- Yard Sale Dream

I had a dream last night.  A flying dream, but unlike others I've had ever.  Normally, there's flapping and not much altitude, yet a sense of profound joy.  But in this one I can move my whole body like a living bullet at any speed with will alone.  I think I'd like to get to Oregon for a visit.  As I speed up to 700 miles per hour over the Rocky Mountains, swooping low for views of the majestic landscape, it occurs to me that the journey will still take about two hours.  I decide to ramp up the speed to 2000 miles per hour.  But then it hits me: if even a pebble or hailstone is in my way it will be relatively like a bullet and kill me instantly.  I solve this immediately by putting up a concave shield of transparent willpower in front of my head to deflect any such nuisances.

Once in Oregon I flash forward to departure to come back.  I am in an old neighborhood in Medford where I used to live walking North down the lane to the local high school (not mine).  In the front lawn of the high school are rows of white flower bouquets arranged in a perfect grid, maybe a hundred of them.  I pass a man in his yard.  He is middle-aged, pot-bellied and looking defeated.  He is selling his white two-story house.  It's all stripped down and emptied on the front lawn.  On the roof of the house is a huge sign on white butcher paper with a single word written large with black paint-- "Tautology" (I had to look up what it means this morning).

At first, I'm so eager to find my take-off site (as ripping it up to 2000 miles per hour in a few seconds will leave a mark on the ground) and I start to pass the man by, but I think better of it and stop to help him unload his stuff.  He is putting it all out on the lawn in a huge yard sale.  He has a lot of stuff.

I think to myself "he might have better luck if he used my studio parking lot".  (This is an important element as it removes the house as a symbol for the studio).

I find a suitcase full of carefully arranged women's shoes.  I think "my wife has got to see these, I wonder if they're her size."  On one show, inside on the heel is a little gold circle with the number 12.  Then I find another suitcase full of DVDs, a bunch of old movies but also stuff that looks interesting to me.  One of them is "Back to the Future".

First off, don't ever underestimate the power of your subconscious.  The Generator, capable of creating an entire reality and making you believe it entirely without question.

This dream is full of beginning and ending symbols: back to the future, going to and from a nostalgic site, an old person wrapping up his life and moving somewhere new, a yard sale, a house being sold, and white flowers arranged like Arlington crosses.  I think it all ties into something I've been thinking about recently: stasis vs dynamism.  The resistance that the ego puts up against new ideas or new ways of thinking.  Why is it like that?  There is part of me that wants to go back to what is old and safe and sure, and another part that is full of infinite power and possibility (the flying young man).  I have to let go and move to the next thing with unlimited capability.

The type of flight is also notable.  It represents unlimited ability.  Why would someone with that power head straight back to the safest, oldest, most familiar place?  And ambushed at the end of the dream by something to keep him from going East, the direction of new things?

There are also a lot of folding back elements here, going back and forth.  Into and out of the house, a school with a symbolic cemetery on the front lawn, a trip home and back again, back to the future, things being bought and sold, young and old.

This happens with people.  When you have a new and bold direction or you pursue an original invention or line of thinking, the immediate and visceral reaction of most people is going to be resistance.  And often that resistance is quite stern.  Even violent.  Don't let it put you off.  Strong resistance is sometimes an indicator that you are on the right track.  Or at least a track to the next level, whatever that is.

Vague enough for you?

Other than that insight, I really can't disentangle this one.  Just remember that in a dream state time and order become all compressed to a single point.  Things are often in reverse order, like a mirror.

I get the sense that I'm missing something, I'm not seeing something.  It's right in front of my face and I'm not seeing it.  I don't mean the dream, I mean in real life.

If you want to see the location go to google maps street view of 812 South Oakdale, Medford Oregon.  The change is that the building in the dream is rotated ninety degrees counter-clockwise.  I am standing in the driveway as if it were a road that goes through the block.

Monday, December 24, 2012

Mechanism of Suggestion

It is right now 12:57am.  I am up after sleeping for four hours.

I keep having a recurring dream that I am in a foreign country.  It is beautiful, a sunlit patchwork of farmland and white stucco city by the seaside.  I have lots of friends and family there.

In one version of this dream, I was in the living room of a house, the warm sun of a skylight overhead.  Across from me was a council of three people, two women and a man I think.  I asked the truth of them, the truth of my existence.  As they told me I realized that their words were disintegrating me into a black dust, that the truth was waking me up and banishing me from this sunlit land into a dreamworld.  I didn't want to go.  I started to cry for help, but all that came out were indistinct yelping noises.  Finally I managed to say it, a single word, "HELP!"

I was woken up by myself saying "HELP!" super loud.

Last night I went out with my lovely wife.  We went to dinner with her brother and his new girlfriend, B..  We had Indian food up in Provo.  It was lovely.  I just love Indian food-- Tandoori Lamb and Chicken, Dhaal (lentils), Mango Chicken, Vegetable Korma, sweet bread and garlic bread.  It was quite a spread.  She was composed, articulate and down-to-earth.

Here is what I am listening to right now.

Each passing week I gain more control over my own mind.  The fear and panic grow less and I force myself to focus on positive mental images which I play on the screen of my mind.  How can things go right?

I walk out in front of my house, or my studio and I slowly pass my hand in front of my face, a bit of a Jedi wave, and as the hand passes I imagine in my mind how I want things to look-- new grass, landscaping, a fence, new siding, or whatever it may be. In my mind I make my world what I want it to be.  I am wiping away the old thing.  Those are physical things.  But that's pretty much what's left for me.  The important things: family and relationships are just peachy.  I have peace in my own household.  I'm getting along with my wife.  We are still in love.  My kids are responsive and kind to each other.  I really like my staff at work.  I've become more distant than in years past, what I view as a professional detachment, but I genuinely like each person.

The only thing missing is that I need a few personal friends.  I don't really have any relationships outside of family and work.  I'd love to get a D&D group going, or a few people to play wargames with.  Like it used to be back in Oregon.

Sunday, my wife sang in the choir, the Christmas program.  It was beautiful.  Our ward puts on a real professional program.  A musical number followed by a short reading.  Repeat.   But I couldn't pay too much attention as I was wrangling a four and seven year old.  Willow was asking us all to draw pictures of butterflies for her.  I just kept drawing one after another and in-between making notes on my to-do clipboard for the coming week: vids that need to be made, and people with whom I need to meet.

In my study I was watching Ultimate Spiderman and the kids filtered in here and there to be with me.  A lazy Sunday afternoon watching cartoons with the kids and eating leftover Indian food.  I'm reading my Dropzone Commander rulebook.  Talk about absolute bliss.

Later, my wife and I cloistered ourselves and wrapped the presents.  Shiny paper for gifts from Santa.  Her in a red sweater.  I managed to get through it with a minimum of grousing.  For eighteen years she's done all the Christmas preparations by herself, staying up until the wee hours.  Just these last few years I'm lending a hand as I'm not so completely swamped at work. 

Sunday, December 23, 2012


About a week ago I had a dream.

I was in Ashland in winter.  As I was walking down main street, southwards, I happened across a parking lot.  A older gentleman came up to me.  He was dressed all in white.  He gave me a wooden skeleton key.  It had an exact shape and measurements.  I could write down the measurements and shape exactly if I wanted.  It was two and a half inches long and with the shape of an allen wrench.  Instead of hexagonal in shape for the cross-section it was perfectly square.  As I thanked him and began to go on my way he stopped me and said that it didn't operate like a normal key.  He then got out a squarish padlock and showed me how to use the key on it.  It didn't insert into a keyhole, instead there was a horizontal slot along the bottom.  The key went into one side and would slide over from right to left.  The specific shape of the key would then release the various tumblers and open the lock.

Then I turned to the East and I saw choir risers full of women choristers of various nationalities.  They sang Joy to the World.  Three stanzas in English and a fourth in Spanish.

I don't have this one.  It's not coming naturally. 

The key represents an idea.  Something that once known is obvious.  However, it's not an idea that is presently useful.  It's something that will be helpful later on down the line.  Wood represents peace or peaceful means.  This is a recurring element in my dreams eg Christ on a throne of wood.  The lock is a problem.  I'm being shown how to solve something so once it happens I will be ready.

The old man dressed in white is a temple worker.  However, what does he represent?  A person with a special power or skill?  An unknown benefactor?  He is someone who knows something, so clear and obvious, and he gives this knowledge without restraint.

The choir risers are generations, the lowest being the most recent.  Do they represent my varied ancestors?

The key is an ATM card?  That's a sliding lock.

Friday, December 21, 2012

Today is a New Day

Feeling down?  Here's something to cure what ails you!

Condition your mind so your life is a prayer... a constant prayer.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Icicle Fail

I was knocking off the icicles on the front of the studio today and one of them (probably a foot and a half long) rode the pole right on down to my mouth *SMACK!*  Gave me a fat lip and I was sure a cracked tooth, but false alarm thank goodness.  Hard to find a dentist not on holidays.

I ordered pizza last night.  My wife puts all the uneaten slices in a big ziploc bag.  That was breakfast and lunch both.  My wife drove me to work this morning and we happened across a young neighbor walking to work.  It was fifteen degrees out and a biting wind was whipping up snowdust across the lane.  Turns out he works about three miles away across town.  Hopefully he'll take us up on a ride from now on.  That's just ridiculous.

The studio is pretty slow over the holidays, but sure to pick up after Christmas.  I got in a game of Dropzone Commander today, or at least a few turns.  I'm going to learn that game a ton better and soon.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Mosquito Coils

Mosquitos were a big part of my growing up.  I spent part of my childhood in the outback of Alaska.  1979.  We were 112 miles from the nearest civilization, a shack that sold supplies.  No electricity, no running water.  My bedroom was the covered bed of a pickup truck with a pad, a sleeping bag, a kerosene lantern and mosquito coils.  And a giant stack of books.

Before going out I would have to cover myself head to toe with Muskol.  Even my hair.  It was smelly and greasy.

The trick with a mosquito bite is to not scratch it.  Just leave it alone or you'll make it worse.

Saturday, December 15, 2012


Since I gave away my car my wife has been taking me to work every morning.  It's quite a positive experience.  It gives us a chance to talk.  Sometimes we just overshoot the studio (it's only six minutes away) to talk a little longer, or sit in the parking lot.  I usually make a list of six things "that will go right today".  It helps me focus on the positive and get in an upbeat mood.  Sometimes I write them down.

Invariably, our now four-year-old daughter, Willow, comes with us.  She just stares out the window in wonder at the passing foliage.  Or sings along to a song on the radio.  We recently had a cute little "princess party" for her.  About five of her little friends from church or dance class showed up.  I did face painting-- butterflies and swirls.  Tamie really outdid herself setting it all up, making a little go a long way with decorations and activities.  I love that about my wife, she makes life special with outings, events and decorations.

Willow's older sister (thirteen year now) gave her a Hello Kitty blank page book.  It had a little padlock on it for which there was no key.  So, I brought home a pair of bolt cutters from the studio.  With intense fascination she watched me close them on the lock's U-bar and slowly squeeze them shut until *clack!* it broke off.  "Thank you daddy!"  Such a simple thing.

I don't listen to the news in the morning.  Anything political is temporarily just too much for me.

I'm just getting over a little virus that passed through the community a few weeks ago.  Nothing major just a bit of a sore throat.  I'm feeling healthy as usual, just eating what I want in abundance and variety.  I've cut out soda for a while now and I think that's helped.  I just plateau at a certain weight.  What's odd is that I'm starting to go to sleep earlier and earlier.  The other day I went to sleep, profoundly and completely, at 6pm.  And I'm up at four or five in the morning.  That's when I'm most clear-headed and productive.  But I need to get back on track, at least up until 9pm.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

End of the Rainbow

That's my house at the end of the rainbow.  Get it?  Awesome.  I love my home.  I love to be here.

And here come some insufferably droll details about my life.

I spent Saturday at the studio and got in a game of 40K.  At least half a one.  I am furiously fastidious about keeping up on Inquiries emails and it's all caught up.  Josh the art director was in to write up his weekly report for the art department.  We went to the local grocery store for some sushi for lunch.

Saturday night my wife and I went to see Life of Pi.  We got there about fifteen minutes before the movie started and still needed to grab something to eat.  We had some teriyaki chicken on a bed of rice and some sushi.  Oddly, both are items that appear in the movie in one form or another.

We got some popcorn, Junior Mints (for me), Reese's Pieces (for her, she puts them in the popcorn).  I like butter, she likes plain so I always tell the person to do half and half.  It's a fun contest-- that we both verbally try to convince the attendant to do one or the other.  This time the counter-girl caved to my wishes and gave some hearty splorgs of butter on there.

Life of Pi is a really good story.  You've got to really relax and enjoy the story, symbolism, and awesome imagery.  It's a visual treat, but has a really long work-up to the actual main part of the story.  However, it's all worth it.  I class it as a "bed time" movie.  Something peaceful and with a methodical pace.  Just sit back and enjoy.  It's very cosmic.  Just my kind of thing.

But don't expect an action film.

There is this one scene with sharks in the water and a tiger on the boat.  That made me cringe.  I was pulling my legs reflexively up off the floor.  I feel like Pi in my life.  I am accepting of a lot of religions.  I see a truth beneath all of them.  That's what's interesting to me.  Belief is the fundamental power that drives it all.  I believe my reality is a reflection of my own soul.

Night time.  Driving home on the freeway with my lovely wife.  It's like a little pod world with just the two of us in it.  Then home to put the kids to bed.  A life of bliss and peace.  We're still eating Thanksgiving leftovers.  There are now the makings for turkey and cranberry sandwiches one of my faves.  Bored yet?  Of course you are.  But wait there's more!

I'm feeling a little autumn tickle in my throat so Tamie tended me with essential oils.  Some peppermint oil does the trick.  I'm drinking a lot of fluids.  I got to be in peak form for the coming week.  I'm eating mashed potatoes, stuffing, gravy and green olives for breakfast, lunch and dinner and loving every second of it.  Sunday morning I slept in to like 8am which was pretty sweet.  We got the family ready for church (again, I don't think I'm a particularly good person) which was ... well church.  A bit of peace and I get to see some friends from the neighborhood.

Once home I took a delicious nap, playing some Napoleon Hill on youtube like a sweet lullaby for my soul.

Right now at this moment I am in my study in my PJs watching Voyager on my laptop, the air purifier softly gurgling in the background.  The kids come in now and again to be with me.  Yup, life is pretty sweet.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Message from the Hive

A few weeks back, Willow caught a ladybug and had it with her throughout church.

I'd like to make the public disclaimer that you often hear on this channel: I make no special claim to virtue.  I have faults and problems like any other man.  I am sympathetic to people with vices and flaws.  I am not telling anyone how to live.  I am only opening a window to my own life.

So, what's going on in Shawn-land?  Family life is bliss as always.  I get home and it's a place of warmth and happiness.  I credit my lovely wife who is mother, cook, nurse and home-maker.  She is a superb nurturer.  She is incredibly easy to get along with.  She has given me nothing except happiness all the days of my life.

Tamie has decorated the house in a Thanksgiving theme: pumpkins and corn sheaves on the front porch, and a little thanksgiving scene on the dining room table.  This year we're just staying home.  It's unlikely that any extended family will be over, which suits me just fine this year.  Just keeping it simple.

Seed of Equivalent Benefit
Costco has come to Spanish Fork.  We love Costco.  However, it moved right next to the local grocery store, Maceys.  Our beloved local shop has always been clean, well-run and happy.  It's a local institution.  I was worried that the Big Box might run them out of business.  We're careful to direct the maximum business there and reserve only specialty purchases for Costco.  However, it seems that Macey's is now busier than ever.  At least time and a half.  Tamie says the increased business is just the holidays which is possible.  I think that Costco is actually drawing in so many people that Maceys is getting the runoff.

As you know, I've set a goal to take control of my own mind: to choose my own thoughts and feelings.  This has been a greater challenge than I ever thought.  Oddly, by making a positive change I actually had crushing episodes of despair for months on end.  I think they are gone now.  I suppose it's like withdrawal symptoms.  I was accustomed to allowing and accepting negative thoughts, dwelling on pessimistic scenarios, so when I stopped there was like a series of mental shockwaves.  I call it "mind puking".  Your mind has barf out old concepts and superstitions.

The last few weeks I have stepped up my efforts.  I have focused on critical times of the day, namely just waking up and just going to sleep.  This where there is overlap with the subconscious mind.  It is a creative state where intuition, fears and hopes are brought to the fore.  I don't let my mind just wander during these times anymore.  I purposely choose what I am going to think.  I play out in my mind how I want things to go during the day.  Not just that, but I emotionalize these images with happiness and peace.  I can only describe it as Love.  I love my image.  I see on the movie screen of my mind how the studio will look when it's finished, what workers and clients will say and do, and in short how everything can go right that day.

I also take care to choose music and video that will be uplifting.  Things that I like, that bring me peace.  I have accepted as my responsibility to be happy, to choose my own feelings.  "You're going to have ups and downs"  Maybe not true.  I've found that if I choose happiness, and keep my spirits up water-tight, that events will actually go my way.

I am still without a car.  I gave mine away to a young couple and the Universe has yet to replace it with my desired one (a 2012 Chevy Equinoxe, black).  However, a blessing has come into my life because of it.  My wife drives me to work and I get to be with her when otherwise I would just slip out early.  I love this time.

A morning ritual in the car is that I make a list of six things that could go right today.  Today X is going to happen.  I create an expectation in my mind.  I call the shot.

All that said I still have a long ways to go.  I'm still not to critical mass yet.

Saturday night there was a Young Women's presentation at the church where the girls presented talents and projects.  So, my thirteen year old daughter got up there, and without apology or explanation belted out a song she "had been working on".  There was a palpable cringe from the audience.  It was off-key like Klingon opera.  And it went on for a while.  As she finished my heart swelled with pride and satisfaction.  I realized that she was her father's daughter.  Instead of wincing and low-talking like most of the other girls she just marched up there like she owned the joint, no self-consciousness.  Just like me.  What I lack in talent I make up for in volume (both kinds).  Persistence and out-goingness are the hallmarks of success and McKenna has picked that up in spades.  I love that girl.  She's a good person.

Well, that's it for me. I hope that all who read this will be bless-ed this season.

This is a pic that I took when we were up at Snowbird in September.  This is one location that we scouted for the 2013 Valhalla season.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Pure as Snow

Here's what is making me happy today.  Good for watching rain or snow out the window.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Definiteness of Purpose

As usual I got a lot going on.  First, the presidential election.  Not really a choice.  The "Imperialist/Statist" party won again for the thirtieth time in a row.  I just wrote in Ron Paul.  This has no effect on how Utah swings in the Electoral College.

I'm pretty burned after what happened at the Republican National Convention.  The pre-determined results are read from a teleprompter.

So, for the time being I'm just concentrating on family and work.  Just letting it rest with politics for a bit while I get my bearings and figure out what to do next.  Sorry folks, I've realized recently how blargh it is to talk politics in polite company.  But a blog is the right forum I think.

My father-in-law was in town this last week which meant my "study" was displaced out of the guest room.  It's nice to have relatives over.  You'd think I'd mind, but I don't.

It's Sunday right now.  I'm in bed with my lovely wife watching Hulu.  We like Alphas.  Also, "Going Postal" a Terry Pratchett movie came on to Netflix.  I love that series.  I've read a few of the books, but haven't done much fiction reading recently.

Let's flash back to Saturday.  After work my wife and I headed to the store and picked up pumpkin pie, whipped cream, bananas and a rotisserie chicken.  Once home we made a miniatures Thanksgiving dinner with mashed potatoes, vegetables, and bread.  Very nice.  Our family life is very close-knit and we get along well together.  I don't know how to describe it.  When I was in my early twenties I got the idea somewhere that marriage and family was a never-ending trial, but I've found nothing like that.  My kids are a never-ending delight.  Even my teenage daughter (can you believe that?) is not hardly trying my patience at all.

Since I have recently been working on maintaining a positive mental attitude, constantly, and working to improve my lot in life with higher and clearer goals, life has become difficult.   By trying to swing up, I sometimes swing down harder than ever before.  So, this last week I was much more methodical.  I don't let my mind wander when I first wake up.  I control my thoughts.  I let my mind dwell on good things.  I do a mental "walk-through" of the day thinking of how things could go right.  Not my usual, but the old fearful Shawn is gone.  I walk as a conqueror through my life. 

Same thing at night.  As my mind winds down and the night grows dark the bogeymen come I do not let my guard down.  I am careful what I watch.  I am careful what I think.  I don't watch dysfunctional TV.  I look for things on youtube that represent things that I desire.  Could be better.  Also, I go to sleep with a two-hour stint of Napoleon Hill

I had a dream that I pulled into a well-tended gas station on a long journey.  Inside everything was clean and shiny and in good order.  Fuel, bathroom, and snacks.  Everything a traveller could need.  The attendant behind the counter turned to me in a crisp orange and brown uniform with a trim paper hat of those same colors.  It was Napoleon Hill.  He said something to me.  "Whatever you can conceive and believe, you can achieve."

Friday a heavy snow fell in Utah Valley.  It was thick, icy and wet.  It broke branches on trees.  From one day as a mild autumn to a hard sub-zero winter.  The cloud cover is heavy and when the moon is behind it the whole scene is lit with a dull yellow light.  At 2am it's surreal to look out the window.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Focus on the Goal, not the Task

Greetings ONE follower of this Blog.

I can't get the pics off my phone or I would have some to post here.  It is Sunday.  If it weren't for Sunday I would run myself into the ground.  But the old habit of resting on Sundays is helping me out.  This personal blog is tough since I devote most of my mental energy to work.  Do I have a personal life?  Not really outside of family.

When I was just out of fourth grade my family relocated to the outback of Alaska where all I had was a giant stack of books to entertain me.  I think that was a pivotal moment for me.  After I returned home I had to be put in advanced classes.  They had to actually invent things to challenge me.  Why is that?  Could having been put back into nature, into a feral state actually been good for me?  I have the idea that classrooms are stifling for growth and creativity.  A bit of heresy to be sure.  I believe that I got more out of playing D&D than I did out of my high school classes.

As you know (you ONE person who follows this blog) I am trying to control my own thoughts and feelings.  I want to create a clear vision for my life, or rather refine the one I already have.  But I've found it's a lot harder than I thought it would be.  A few days ago it occurred to me that I need to structure myself a lot better.  In my fading distance from Mormonism I may have gone too far from... order.  I have to be more careful what I let in my mind, what music I listen to, what movies and TV I watch.  I must create a better structure for myself.

I think it will be greatly beneficial if I get up out of bed right away.  It is during these unfocussed times (laying in bed, in the dark) that I tend to spiral out of control mentally.  I imagine how things could go wrong.  I need some kind of structured vision work, like a personal devotional for fifteen minutes to set the pace for the day.  I believe I am responsible for the way that I think and feel.  Stress and worry create a negative mental state.  That in turn collapses reality into the negative form that I am thinking about.

I need to get serious about this.

In other news, I'm running Star Trek: Voyager as background noise.  This will be the third time through.  Today I did all the prep work on my Dropzone Commander UCM force.  I can't wait to hit the table.

I believe that truth can be found everywhere.  Insight in everything.  There is some truth that I can't quite get at.  I want to know what is really going on.  Or perhaps the truth is that the mind-blank is the very thing that brings things into focus.  Somehow not-knowing is helping me.  It makes life real and difficult.

Lastly, I make my usual disclaimer.  I make no claim to special virtue.  I am not telling anyone how to run their lives.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Applied Faith

I'm super.  I got out of bed today, chipper and ready to go at 6:30am or so.  The downstairs bathroom, the one I use, is neat and orderly and now appointed with teal accountrements, my fave.  Towels of the same color.  It makes me happy.

I made some Ramen and a PB&J for breakfast and ate them in the car as my wife drove me to work.  About three months now since I created a vacuum by giving my car away.  Still awaiting my awesome 2012 Chevy Equinoxe.

I'm doing well.  Now that I'm concentrating only on today, life is pretty good.  Today is always a good day.  My mind is clear.  I am full of hope for the future.

I'm taking over the Inquiries and Ordering dept.  There is a lot of cleanup.  It's rife with mistakes and oversights.  Bungles.  Nothing to do but plow forward. 

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Sounds About Right

Today is a Good Day

I'm not doing well.  I have a stress headache.  My mind is full of worry.  It's not a good place.

Saturday morning my wife and I took to the road, her driving, going up to Valhalla.  My sweet wife was radiant and calm.  The scenery was beyond belief.  It was heaven on earth.

I ranted and raved the entire way.  The subject: nothing works, nothing is going right.  Oh it was bad.  I was so negative.  My lovely wife just extended her arm and held my hand, listening quietly.  For forty-five minutes I went off like a kettle boiling over.  As we arrived in Sundance I petered out and I asked her to say something.

"Shawn, I love you.  All the things we are doing now are laying the foundation for a better life.  Things are getting better and progressing.  Oh, and don't worry, I am full of positive things so none of this is getting to me."

How fortunate I am!  What a tremendous woman I have married.  Best thing that's ever happened to me.  She has managed to keep it together being married to such a mercurial being as myself.  Mostly up, but when I'm down it's pretty hard.

Later that day I was walking down a Sundance road, the glory of autumn all around, and I had a realization: Today is always good.  It is the tomorrow that I invent in my mind that is horrible.  It's spoiling the present.  I need to keep today protected carefully in my mind.

It's always that way with small business.  The seas seem choppier when you are in a small boat.  I am working super-hard to achieve equilibrium.  However, without a supply of capital on hand I have to expand using only our meager resources and it creates hard shocks.  Right now is the right time to get capital for BTP which is something that we are eagerly looking for.  I would sign on for $200,000 tomorrow and put it to good use.

I believe that things are moving forward.  My life, my person, my business and All the people associated with this venture are all improving and at a notable rate.  I just need to be more grateful and "see" things more clearly.  It's not always sales, money dropping into the bank.  Connections, people, arrangements and learning experiences all count as progression as well.

Let me give you an example.  While at Valhalla we formed a relationship with that will allow us access/exposure to their subscriber base of 60,000 or more subscribers.  Flash back two months.  Rob from Marketing approached me and asked me what I wanted.  I said "I want 50,000 Youtube subscribers."  The math on that was impossible as we were only rising fifteen subscribers a day and would need like more than two hundred a day.  See how that went?  We stayed focused, did the right thing and it turned out in a marvelous and spectacular way.

I'm trying to hoist it all by myself.  That's not right either.  There are supplies at hand.  There are other people involved here.  God, family and friends will all help.  I always assume people will be upset with me if I don't produce the results (I perceive) that they want.  But that's not necessarily the case.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

October 10, 2012

It's Thursday morning.  I waiting for Shannon to pick me up and take me to Valhalla for day two.

Check out that picture.  Every day I think of something or see something new that makes me think "wow, that's awesome.  Imagine having breakfast like that.  How could it happen.  If that's what I want, what am I doing here?

Well, here is pretty awesome, too!

All right, back to Wednesday.  With an Inquiries guy out Monday and Tuesday sick it was a pretty hectic day getting ready for Valhalla and all.  I really felt like I was running around wearing four hats.  I'm trying to get the studio to a point where it runs by itself.  We have to prove a basic concept, make it run flawlessly then duplicate that.  It's harder than it looks.  Once you introduce other humans things start to get chaotic.

The beds up at Valhalla are all taken so I drove home with my wife at about 9pm.  She's quite a catch.  We made a list of all her good things.  It takes a long time to build up a good marriage and it's a precious thing.

Friday, October 5, 2012

Dream Journal- the Gibbering Mouther

I dreamed that I went to the lower level of a building much like our current studio; a flight of steps going down that open into a broad pillared hall.  All around the room were stored the trappings of home and business-- furniture, paintings, hanging clothes, appliances.  These things were in a state of partial disarray, like someone was just moving in.

Now on to the strange part.  In the middle of the room was a stone or concrete pad.  On top of the pad was suspended a rectangular bubble of nutrient rich water about three feet thick.  It was natural water, like from a pond, but with no green elements in it.

As I approached I could see insectoid and octopoid creatures floating in it, some kicking or drifting lazily.  Some were the size of my fore-arm.  They were revolting.  But the notable creature was in the center of the slab, a gibbering mouther, looking at me silently with its mis-shapen eyes.  With slug-like tenacity it stuck to the stone with a muscoid foot (like a snail's foot).  I suddenly got the urge just to clear out these odd creatures.  None of them were useful and they did not belong in this new environment.

With a thought I drained the water completely, leaving the creatures stranded, gasping and flopping.  Nearby I found a strong hose with an industrial strength nozzle.  I turned it on to full strength and began directing the spray at the chitinous rubbery flailing mess.  None of the creatures had any power against it.  Even the gibbering mouther, when the concentrated and pure water was directed at the foot, began to loosen and its bulk flopped over and was pushed right off the stone pad.  It was a grotesque wreck, a mound of rotting mucous and teeth.

For a moment I felt sad for them.  They were completely dead.  I had pushed them out of their home.  But in the blink of an eye the entire pile was gone.  Once off the source of life they simply could not even exist at all.

I stood with satisfaction on the center of the pad, the hose now turned off.  It was washed clean.  The foundation was once again purified and ready to be built on again afresh.

This is all pretty clear.  The room represents the foundation of my life: home and business.  I am in the process of moving new and good things in.  The concrete pad is my mind, the foundation and source of it all.  The creatures represent old and now-useless ways of thinking, superstitions, and relationships.  They must be done away with through positive thinking (the spray hose) in a single strong direction.  Only then can everything be ordered.  It will be easier than I think, I just need to stay focused.

The gibbering mouther?  Still thinking over what that represents.  Whatever it is, it's going to be the toughest thing to clear out.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

This sounds about right

This is how I feel.  The "debate" is between two Statists who will not fundamentally change anything.  More in common that different.  Bring on other parties, let's hear from them.  It's a non-choice.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

The Nothing Song

This song relaxes me.  It makes me thoughtful.

I heard it in the final sequence of Vanilla Sky.  The end of that movie = what I've been thinking about reality itself.  Is everything a construct of my own mind?  Why can't I manipulate it more easily?  Or is that a failsafe that prevents me from damaging myself with wayward or uncontrolled thought.

Dream Journal- Bus Stop of Infinite Possibilities

[I spent two years in Chile as a missionary.  It's a frequent and positive dream location.  It represents adventure, risk, and high spirituality]

I dreamed that I was in Chile, staying overnight in a hostel up on a hill.  Come the morning I headed down the gravel road towards the bus stop, several missionaries with me.  At the bottom of the road, where it intersected the main paved avenue there was a huge golem blocking my way; a cold and undying monstrosity.  With indignation I grabbed a metal fence post (those triple flange things) and after a warning for him to move I plowed into him with it.  All my might I swung at his head and neck but in amazement I realized that I only bent the post.  In fact, it was bent at the end, the point of hideous leverage which could have felled a small tree, in the shape of his head.  I managed only to mangle my metal.

Cocking my head to take stock of this I realized that the golem was not very fast.  So casting aside the post I just skirted around him no problem and continued on my way.

Soon, the bus arrived at the stop, a bus that could take me anywhere I wanted.  It was a noisy, stocky, dirty Chilean bus with hearty wheels.  In a panic I realized that I had left my wallet at the hostel.  The head missionary promptly handed me a stack of US bills (valuable and easily exchanged in Chile) of various denominations.  It was a fat stack, about two or three inches thick, more than enough for my needs.  I could go back to the hostel for my wallet or just get on the bus and go right then.

Interpretation: pretty obvious wouldn't you say?  Divine providence will supply if only I have the faith to get on the bus.  I am fighting my problems too hard.

I am here creating a repository of things that I want.  Are you ready for some shameless window shopping?  Now that I have the perfect family, wife, kids, job, neighborhood, home maybe it's time for a new pair of shoes.  So here goes.

I would encourage anyone reading here to "write your own ticket".  Start with what you want.  How would you like your life to be?  Most people go through life with only this vague idea that things will be "better" in the future.  Once the money comes in, then they will decide what they want.  It's the other way around.  Decide exactly, with pictures, images and emotion, what it is you want.

Remember, you can always change your mind later.

So, here I will not worry about price.  I would encourage you to do the same!  There are no do-overs in life.  You only get one shot, so at the very least make up your mind!

Item #1 a pair of shoes.  While painting my deck I got paint on my shoes.  I've always worn Payless $19.99 shoes and I think it's time for a nice pair.  Size 12.  I also need a pair of walking shoes and a pair of dress shoes.  $80.00

Item #2 Google Nexus Tablet.   I find myself walking around the studio a lot and it would be really keen to do my work wherever I happened to be.  The art director needs one, too.  Is this a good one?  I really don't know what I'm looking at.  $260 x2

Item #3 A Desk for my home.  I've been working for years on a beat up resin Wal Mart table.  No longer! I've got my eyes on something like this.  $200.00.  I like stuff that's simple.  Zen.  Not overdone.  Laurence.

Item #4 A shaver.  Braun 350CC Washable Rechargable.  $169.00

Item #5  A computer bag.  The one I have is going on five years old, and breaking down at the seams.  This is a samsonite which I find attractive.  $149.00

Item #6  These are luxury items.  My two favorite childhood arcade games.  Paragon (pinball) and Joust.


Day One

My first blog was on Yahoo 360.  I think it was Thanksgiving 2007.

It no longer seems appropriate to record my personal life on the studio blog.  Oh sure, the gaming aspect will be there and that's personal I suppose.

Today was Monday.  And welcome.  Wow, now that I'm under the camera I don't know what to say.  I worked a long day today.  I'm acting as Art Director down at the studio this week, the second week in a row.  I took a few weeks of vacation before this.

It was different this time, up at Snowbird.  We go every year.  The first years it was a chore.  When is this going to be over so I can get back to work.  But this time I really left it all behind, my wonderful staff taking care of things.